365 Ficlets - #53 ~ "Pieces of a Puzzle"

[maleghasty]

Paul stared down at the scene from the catwalk above, trying to walk through the sequence of events in his mind, based on the resulting carnage.

The attacker must have entered to the left, shooting the first stiff in the back of the head as he walked past. This apparently casual act of violence clearly sent the remaining people in the room to seek cover – all of the overturned tables were pointing in that direction.

So the assailant, whoever they were, just kept walking, shooting as they went. The lack of bullet holes in the pieces of ‘cover’ that had corpses behind them suggested a high velocity load in his or her ammo, and a keen eye for shooting blind at a target behind cover. Whoever the assailant was, they had unparalleled confidence and actual ability with a gun.

One, two, three, four, five shots and five dead bodies. It was at this point that the only person left alive in the room apart from the mystery assailant was Smalley. He had only lived long enough to kneel and be stabbed thrice in the face.

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Comments

[sister-savage.livejournal.com]

He had only lived long enough to kneel and be stabbed thrice in the face.

*Confused*

[maleghast.livejournal.com]

The assumption is that the character Paul is looking down on a murder scene that still has the bodies where they fell, but that he has already been able to examine from other perspectives, so he knows how everyone died. The only named corpse is the dead person furthest in from where Paul is surmising the assailant entered, and was found dead on his knees, and we can assume as well that the obvious wounds that have been found are stab wounds to the face...

It's a bit cinematic and I can see how it does not necessarily have clarity on its side, but I'm hoping for the description to be clear enough that the reader visualises and therefore works it out. Does it fail completely, or do you see where I was / am coming from now?

[sister-savage.livejournal.com]

I'm probably being crap. I just find it strange that you shift from talking about guns to stabbings.

And -

"He had only lived long enough to kneel and be stabbed thrice in the face" sounds to me like he was a newborn baby who was murdered at birth. :-/

I will read it again tomorrow morning with a cup of coffee - I am tired tonight and miserable about today's crap photo. x

[maleghast.livejournal.com]

It's a flowery way of saying:

"He came in here, shot these five guys and stabbed this guy to death"

I think, on reflection, that it hasn't really delivered, but then this project is not necessarily about writing 365 perfect mini stories, it's about writing 365 mini stories; some of them are going to be a bit crap, so as long as people tell me (thank you ;-) ) then I can learn from the experience and all is good.

[sister-savage.livejournal.com]

This makes more sense to me - "It was at this point that the only person left alive in the room apart from the mystery assailant was Smalley. He had only lived long enough to kneel and be stabbed thrice in the face." So either Paul's name is Paul Smalley, and he's just been stabbed, or Paul is the killer.

Am I close?

[maleghast.livejournal.com]

Not really... The 'Paul' as mentioned is looking down at the scene after it has happened. The narrative as told is his theory of what happened. Smalley is the only corpse that is named in the narrative.

It is evidently not clear __enough__ - I will chalk it up to experience and try to learn from it :-)

Thanks for commenting - I need people to comment as much when it's to tell me something doesn't work as when it does, so thanks - really I mean it :-D

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

I have to say it seemed perfectly clear to me.

[thru-her-lens.livejournal.com]

It seemed clear to me too, but the last paragraph seems awkward, somehow. Not sure how to explain it though, so will re-read tomorrow and see if it's clearer then.

[sister-savage.livejournal.com]

It's much clearer to me this morning. :-)

[sister-savage.livejournal.com]

Seriously, it's only the last paragraph that I had a problem with.

I knew caffeine would help!

[sister-savage.livejournal.com]

I have worked it out - I must have had a mental block! When you say "It was at this point...", you don't mean while Paul is looking at the scene, you mean after five shots were fired, before Paul is there.

I thought he was stabbed while Paul was in the room, which is why I thought that Paul was either the killer (lending a twist) or Paul was Smalley.

*satisfied with Self*